Can't Sleep

Didn't do so hot on the interview.

Kinda bummed.

Miss Kelsey.

Don't wanna finish my finals.

Blegh.

It's late, I can't sleep and I have to pee.

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.



1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without
Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he
looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli,
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as
a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like
a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're
on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at
7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other
like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long,
it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a
fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing
kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought
he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing
up.

Understand Libel: A Brief Guide to Every Reporter's Nightmare

A wonderful discussion today with a close friend got my wheels turning about this one. What exactly is libel? Why is it so dangerous? And why do we really care?

Libel (n.)- Publication of a false statement that deliberately or carelessly damages someone's reputation.

Of course, we all know how helpful dictionary definitions are. What does that really mean, anyway? According to Tim Harrower's Inside Reporting, there are several criteria that a statement must meet in order to be considered libelous:


~Statements must be false, based on facts that are wrong or unverifiable.
~Statements must be defamatory. It can be libelous, for example, to accuse someone of a crime, discredit a person professionally, accuse someone of immorality or imply that a person is infected with a loathsome disease.
~Statements must be published. Any form of communication counts, whether it's printed, broadcast, posted on the internet or just typed to a friend.
~Plaintiffs must be identifiable. The plaintiff must prove they're the ones who were named or pictured.
~The defendant must be at fault either through negligence (failure to exercise appropriate care) or malice (intentionally and deliberately acting in ill will or with desire to harm another).

To put it in a manner short and sweet: Libel is the publication of facts that are damaging and untrue.

So now that we know what libel is, let's take a look at what libel isn't. A fact may be damaging, but if it is true, it isn't libelous. For example, if I printed...

~"Tom Cruise is short."

... that cannot be considered libel because, even though Mr. Cruise might find it damaging (defamatory), it is a true statement, and true statement aren't libelous. This protects journalists and whistleblowers that expose the truth in scandalous situations. However, if I were to make a comment about Tom Cruise being a short, hairy monkey, that could potentially get me into big trouble, because it there is no verifiable truth behind that statement (and if there is, I would love to see it).

Libel also isn't an opinion; for example, public review isn't libel because it is written as an opinion (and if it isn't, your editors need to be fired). Look at this sentence...

~"Miley Cyrus is a terrible singer."

This can't be considered libel, because even though it is published, and could be considered defamatory, it isn't a statement of fact; it's an opinion. Opinion's aren't libelous, because public performers openly and willingly submit themselves to public criticism. "Fair comment and criticism" is a key part of journalistic review.

There is a difference is libel definitions for "public figures", such as the ones used in the examples above, and private citizens. The term "public figure" is a bit sticky, and has in fact been the cornerstone of several Supreme Court libel cases (most notably the 1973 Gertz v. Welch case in which a private attorney sued a magazine, and won, after it called him "Communist" for representing clients suing the police). In general, a public figure can be defined as someone who has acquired fame or notoriety (such as an athlete or performer), or has participated in a public controversy (a protester or social activist).

Private citizens are protected more broadly by libel laws. For a public figure, it must be proved that the defendant attempted to damage the plaintiff through malice; for private citizens, it must only be shown that the defendant damaged the plaintiff through negligence. Defining "malice" and "negligence" can be even more tricky, and these evolving definitions continue to hold journalists to strict moral, ethical and legal standards.

So why are libelous statements so important? For one, they can get in trouble- big trouble. Libel is a serious issue, one that can get you (and your publication) sued. A brief glimpse at court cases over the years shows that libel cases are costly and time-consuming, and generally could have been prevented if the reporter/editing staff had done a little homework and double-checked their material before they sent it to print. Angry celebrities have been known to sue supermarket tabloids for millions of dollars over printed material; Martha Stewart comes to mind, as do Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise.

Besides legal trouble, libel doesn't bode well for the image of a paper or its writers. What self-respecting journalist would deliberately publish material that damaged the reputation of someone else, when they know that the statements they are publishing are not true? The itch to cover that big breaking story must be tempered by a sense of self-restraint and common sense. Printing the big Page 1 story is great for your resume, but when it (and the following lawsuit) shows that you're more concerned with getting a byline than getting the facts straight, who is going to take you seriously?

So where do you go when you've got a great story but are afraid that you might be treading dangerous waters? Always remember to check you facts; apart from basic journalistic skills, this will cover your butt in a hot situation. You must be able to prove that what you have published is verifiable and true. Beyond that, it's up to the reporter to act with responsibility and integrity. That is, after all, why you became a journalist, isn't it?

I have officially reached the epitome of nerd...

... yep. It happened.


I signed up for Geeks to Go's Geek University.


I'm going to learn how to fix computers.


Hooray for feeling strangely empowered.


More to come. Now... time to geek.

These Things I Say

Hooray for new blog names!


I'm thinking that I'm going to start posting here on a more regular basis... or maybe I'm just bored. Either way, I'm in a good mood because I got some work today in San Clemente. Hooray for freelance computer geeks! :D


And of course, be sure to check out my tech blog at processingpaprocki.blogspot.com! 

And again...

Ok, soul baring time.

So lately I feel like I really haven't been close to God at all. It's really weird, too. I mean, I know everyone and every relationship has its ups and downs, but I feel so… I don't know. Off.

I was actually doing really well at the beginning of the year. I made a resolution to read my Bible every day. And I did- for about three weeks. And then I just… lost interest. I don't know, I can't explain it. It was the weirdest thing. I got behind, missed a few days, then a week, then before I knew it I just gave up on it completely. And I really feel like my spiritual life has been next to non-existant for the last month or so.

I think what bothers me even more is that the whole situation is not really bothering me. I mean, it is, but not to the point that I'm actually changing anything. I'm probably not going to do anything about it tonight, and I'm always going to find some excuse to not make a change. That's what really sticks in my craw… but I don't know how to fix it.

The fact that I feel like a steaming pile of bovine excrement probably isn't helping either. Why do people get sick? It's quite possibly one of the most frustrating feelings in the world.

I don't know where to go. I'm not sure what to do to make a change. All I know is that I have a sneaking suspicion that if I don't, things are going to get very bad, very quick… and I'm not going to like it.

We need a word...

... that describes how I feel when I don't know what to post as my status. I feel like 'fish sticks' just isn't cutting it anymore... and I definitely feel like my laptop needs to stop sucking at life and start not sucking at life.

In short... fish sticks.

For now.